Restroom Diversity: Men vs. Women

All my life, I've been a woman (whew!) and therefore, for the majority of my life I had but one perspective on restrooms during my twenty-some years as a bathroom-using-female:

• All women sit down to go to the bathroom, no matter the "occasion" so to speak.
• Almost all women's restrooms, whether public or private, are usually relatively clean. Sure, sometimes an errant soul "forgets" to flush or there is some toilet paper on the floor, but it's usually clean enough that you can use it without feeling horribly disgusted and like your ass will shrivel up and fall off if you sit down.
• All women wipe after they use the restroom, regardless of what "occasion" we just completed.
• There is always toilet paper in the roll.
• We would rather cut off our hand than have to touch the flusher stick. Women flush with our feet. No matter how high (or low) the flusher stick is.
• If we have to use that cute-little-mini-designer-metal trash can mounted to the wall to dispose of any number of our exciting femanine products, we will open and close lid as if it is made of Tiffany glass... slowly, carefully, and quietly, so as not to be discovered as "The Menstruating One."
• No woman will willingly "go #2" with another woman in the restroom, unless it is one of the huge and/or really loud stadium-style restrooms in which no one could hear you, even if you unleashed Mount St. Helens on it and 15 other people are already flushing anyway.
• If a woman has to "go #2" and there is already another woman in the restroom, we will hold it flex our muscles as hard as we can until our eyes water and we rock back and forth to comfort ourselves, until the other person finally leaves the restroom, which is immediately met with a huge sigh of relief and an unleashing of the Holy Beast that has now had time to really stack up inside us.
• If we have to go so badly that there is no way we can wait until the other(s) leave the restroom, we will make whatever loud but appropriate-sounding noise we can to distract from the noise we are making or fear we are about to make in the toilet, i.e. coughing, tapping our feet, or in a worst case scenario, flushing.
• If any embarassing bathroom sounds or smells occur with someone else in the restroom, we WILL wait in the stall, peering out periodically and/or listening for the door slam, before we exit, until we are sure we will not be seen and therefore the "known culprit" of said sound or smell.

Men, on the other hand:

• not only stand up to pee, but it is socially unacceptable for the most part for them to sit down and pee, UNLESS of course they are already "going #2" in which case they "tuck it under" which is, in fact, the weirdest thing ever and as a woman, I cannot understand how that doesn't either snap off or hurt like the bejeezus.
• don't call it "going #2" nor do they appear to be capable of calling it any even remotely polite or discreet word.
• almost never have toilet paper in the roll and this isn't really a problem for them.
• wouldn't even consider the flusher stick being dirty and probably wouldn't flush the urinal nor the pot anyway.
• have a weird cake of... dishwashing tablets? in their urinals that are supposedly meant to keep them smelling fresh but instead are just seriously gross pee-catchers, stinkier than your kitchen sponge.
• do not care if the bathroom is clean or has ever been cleaned, whether it has a light or a sink or even a working toilet.
• do not wipe after they pee, a disturbing thought that I did not discover until I was in my early 20s, a single mom trying to potty train a boy, and therefore learned that boys do not "dab it off" with a small piece of TP as I had always thought, nor do they "do a little shake" before they put it away to make sure all the little dribbles are off (which for the record, I think should be immediately entered into the Man Laws because that little pee dribble on your pants is disgusting.)
• do not have cute-little-mini-designer-metal trash cans in their stalls because men do not pee in stalls and if they are using the stall, any trash can need they have is probably way beyond a cute-little-mini-designer-metal one anyway.
• do not require any "male hygiene products" of any kind and you're probably lucky if he even put on clean underwear that day.
• do not care about the size of the bathroom.
• do not care if other men (or even women, for that matter) are in the bathroom when they have to "go #2".
• are actually proud of, and will converse with other men about, that foul sound and/or smell they just created in the stall.
• will tell everyone around them about the fouldsound and/or smell they created in the bathroom, thereby rendering it completely unnecessary and furthermore impossible for anyone else to try to embarass them about it to anyone else in the group/office/party/restaurant, etc.
• can go anywhere, any time, in front of anyone, in any amount, as frequently as necessary.

In summation, women treat their restroom experiences like "He Who Shall Not Be Named" and men treat them like hitting a home run the World Series or a hole in one on the PGA Tour.

Sorry boys, MVP doesn't stand for Most Virile Pooper (or Pisser, as it were).